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You Can Start a Revolution in Your Family . . . Tonight
ScreamFree Parenting is not just about lowering your voice. It’s about learning to calm your emotional reactions and learning to focus on your own behavior more than your kids’ behavior . . . for their benefit. Our biggest enemy as parents is not the TV, the Internet, or even drugs. Our biggest enemy is our own emotional reactivity. When we say we “lost it” with our kids, the “it” in that sentence is our own adulthood. And then we wonder why our kids have so little respect for us, why our kids seem to have all the power in the family.
It’s time to do it differently. And you can. You can start to create and enjoy the types of calm, mutually respectful, and loving relationships with your kids that you’ve always craved. You can begin to revolutionize your family, starting tonight.
Parenting is not about kids, it’s about parents.
If you’re not in control, then you cannot be in charge.
What every kid really needs are parents who are able to keep their cool no matter what.
Easier said than done? Not anymore, thanks to ScreamFree Parenting, the principle-based approach that’s inspiring parents everywhere to truly revolutionize their family dynamics. Moving beyond the child-centered, technique-based approaches that ultimately fail, the ScreamFree way compels you to:
focus on yourself
calm yourself down, and
grow yourself up
By staying calm and connected with your kids, you begin to operate less out of your deepest fears and more out of your highest principles, revolutionizing your relationships in the process.
ScreamFree Parenting is not just another parenting book. It’s the first parenting
book that maintains—from beginning to end—that parenting is NOT about kids . . . it’s about parents. As parents pay more attention to controlling their own behavior instead of their kids’ behavior, the result is stronger, more rewarding, and more fulfilling family relationships.
For those of you reading who are parents, know parents, or have had parents, the notion that the greatest thing you can do for your children is to learn to focus on yourself may sound strange, even heretical. It’s not. Here’s why: we are the only ones we can control. We cannot control our kids—we cannot control the behavior of any other human being. And yet, so many “experts” keep giving us more tools (“techniques”) to help us try to do just that. And, of course, the more we try to control, the more out of control our children become.
“Don’t make me come up there.” “Don’t make me pull this car over.” “How many times do I have to tell you?” Even our language suggests that our kids have control over us.
It’s no wonder that we end up screaming. Or shutting down. Or simply giving up. And the charts, refrigerator magnets, family meetings, and other techniques in most typical parenting books just don’t work. They end up making us feel more frustrated and more powerless in this whole parenting thing.
This practical, effective guide for parents of all ages with kids of all ages introduces proven principles for overcoming the anxieties and stresses of parenting and setting new patterns of connection and cooperation. Well-written in an engaging, conversational tone, the book is sensible, straightforward, and based on the experiences of hundreds of actual families. It will help all parents become calming authorities in their homes, bring peace to their families today, and give kids what they need to grow into caring, self-directed adults tomorrow.
- Sales Rank: #93174 in eBooks
- Published on: 2007-09-04
- Released on: 2007-09-04
- Format: Kindle eBook
Review
“Whew! What a relief—a fresh approach to parenting that eliminates the battles, the bickering, the frustrations and guilt while allowing children the space to learn and grow. It’s inventive and doable…parents stay calm, connected, and in control—a miracle. In Screamfree Parenting Hal Runkel gives you the tools to take care of yourself so you can take better care of your growing children. Every parent needs this book—it changes how you think about parenting…and how you parent. You’ll wonder why you ever raised your voice or broke a promise.”
--Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day.
From the Hardcover edition.
About the Author
Hal Edward Runkel is a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship coach, seminar speaker, and organizational consultant. As founding principal of ScreamFree Living, Inc., Hal presents ScreamFree programs to audiences nationwide and appears frequently in the media. He has earned a master’s in theological studies, as well as a master’s in marriage and family therapy from Abilene Christian University. Hal and his wife, Jenny, live with their two children in the Atlanta area. More resources are available at www.ScreamFree.com.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter One: Parenting Is Not About Kids, It’s About Parents
It’s not you, it’s me.
–George Costanza, Seinfeld
The greatest thing you can do for your kids is learn to focus on yourself.
That statement might not make complete sense right now. It might, in fact, seem downright offensive. What? Turn the focus away from my children and onto myself? Isn’t that against all the rules?
No, it isn’t. I’m not proposing that you put your children last on the list. Far from it. What I am saying is that by focusing on yourself, you will have a healthier, happier relationship with your whole family.
You see, most of us have been operating with a faulty model of how to live in our relationships. That’s not to say our relationships are all faulty, but the model sure is. We’ve been operating with a model that says in order to have healthy relationships, we need to focus on meeting other people’s needs, trying to serve them and make them happy.
To even question such a model draws controversy, I know, but stay with me. By focusing on yourself, you will have a healthier, happier relationship with your whole family.
This book is going to talk about why this model is so faulty, particularly in our parent-child relationships. For now, there are a few simple things we should consider. First, it’s a given that there are things in this world we can control and things we cannot control. Now ask yourself this question: How smart is it to focus your energy on something you can’t do anything about, something you cannot control?
Answer: Not very.
Follow-up question: Which category do your kids fall into? In other words, are your children something you can control or something you cannot control? Here’s an even tougher question: Even if you could control your kids, should you? Is that what parenting is all about? And what if it’s not the kids who are out of control?
A fundamental assertion of this book is that God wants us to parent our children the way he parents us. Think about how he relates to you. Does he constantly hover around you trying to make you completely comfortable? Is God some kind of control freak, pulling your strings and manipulating your every choice? Of course not! God is concerned about you, but he does not allow you to set his agenda. He always acts out of his own integrity. What would your relationships look like if you started to do the same?
Who’s Really Out of Control Here?
My kids, Hannah and Brandon, were four and two, and it was one of those Saturday mornings. My wife, Jenny, and I had stayed up way too late on Friday night, which guaranteed that our kids would get up way too early the next day. And so the weekend began with a lot of whining and crying and complaining–and the kids were upset as well.
So I decided, in my parenting expert wisdom, to get us all out of the house. Let’s go to Waffle House for breakfast.
Now the first Waffle House we walked into was just too full, but, thankfully, there is no shortage of Waffle Houses in suburban Atlanta. So, we piled back into the car, strapped our children into their car seats, quieted disappointed whines with promises of lots of maple syrup, and drove the hundred yards or so to a second Waffle House. And the line at the second one was just as long as the first.
There was no way we were getting the kids back into the car for another trip, however, so we decided to wait it out. Thankfully, the staff at this Waffle House were thinking–they had crayons and blank paper for the kids. My wife and I could even get in a little adult conversation. A win-win situation.
As if that weren’t enough, a sign caught my eye. If my children drew a picture, they were entitled to a paper Waffle House hat–just like the grill man wears–and a free waffle.
Sometimes life is good. The kids colored. My wife and I talked. The time flew and before we knew it, we were seated–my wife and daughter on one side of the booth, my son and I on the other. They brought the kids their paper hats, and I even tried one on.
If you’ve never been to a Waffle House, you would be amazed at the consistency of their architecture. All the tables surround the kitchen, and wall-length windows surround the tables. It’s very open, and it’s easy to notice the goings-on of others.
Now, while I was feeling pretty good by this time, my kids hadn’t eaten anything all morning. Hungry kids who’ve done nothing but wait around can be…restless. Hannah, our four-year-old, handled it all right, just garden-variety complaints. But Brandon, our two-year-old, sure was feeling two years old, if you know what I mean. Two-year-olds generally have no regard for things like “practicing an inside voice” or “using words like a big boy” when they’ve been forced in and out of a car with nothing to eat but promises. Cooperating with me was not high on his list of priorities at the time. Enjoying a nice family breakfast didn’t seem like such a good idea now.
But I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I’m a relationship coach. I know how to control myself and keep from losing my temper. I know better than to react and resort to yelling and violent acts of coercion. I can stay calm in the face of increasing levels of anxiety. But then my son threw his fork on the floor. My resolve began to fade.
The fork made a loud noise, causing all the people around us to look at me. Some of them even pointed and whispered (at least that’s what it felt like they were doing). I looked over at my perfect wife sitting there with my perfect daughter. There is an unwritten rule among parents with multiple kids: Whoever is sitting on your side is on your watch. So while the women in my life are enjoying this angelic scene of cooperation and intimacy, my son and I are on the verge of World War III.
Nothing is making him happy, nothing is stopping him from the beginning stages of an all-out tantrum. Finally, his waffle arrives and I think the battle will be over soon. So, I start to cut the waffle up, but he doesn’t want the waffle cut up. Maybe he wants to eat the whole thing with his hands in one bite, I don’t know. I do know I’m feeling closer and closer to my own emotional edge.
But I’m the expert on human relationships, right? I’m the one planning to write a book someday called ScreamFree Parenting. Was I going to allow a two-year-old to push my buttons? You bet I was. See, the fork got such a great response, my son began to wonder what might happen if he threw his waffle–plate and all–on the floor.
Here’s what might happen: Daddy might lose his cool! And that’s precisely what did happen.
I hastily apologized to the people with syrup splatter on their feet and then snatched Brandon out of his booster seat. Then I apologized to the man sitting in the booth behind us after Brandon’s foot hit him in the back of the head.
And then we stormed out of the restaurant. All eyes were fixed on us as my son kept screaming. And kicking. And hitting.
I was seething as I pushed the door open with such force that it rattled the glass walls. The reverberating structure got everyone’s attention. The entire restaurant saw me outside on the sidewalk, yelling at my son, using big words, asking rhetorical questions, puffing out my chest, pointing my finger, and intimidating a boy who couldn’t have stood more than thirty-six inches tall. What a big man I was!
Finally, somehow, the ugly scene ended. Brandon and I returned to our seats to complete our nice family breakfast. And there sat Jenny, my loving and faithful wife. I think she wanted to say something supportive and reassuring, but she just couldn’t contain the smirk. I was a volcano looking for an excuse to erupt.
“What?” I barked.
“Nice hat.”
It was then that I realized the paper Waffle House hat still sat squarely on top of my head. The entire scene had taken place with a silly hat on top of a silly man who wanted nothing more than to be taken seriously.
Our Biggest Enemy as Parents
Truth be told, I didn’t need the hat to make me look foolish. I had done that myself with my knee-jerk reactivity. In fact, that kind of emotional reaction is our worst enemy when it comes to having great relationships. Let me say that again: Emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to having great relationships.
If you don’t get anything else from this book, get this: Our biggest struggle as parents is not with the television; it’s not with bad influences; it’s not even with drugs or alcohol. Our biggest struggle as parents is with our own emotional reactivity. That’s why the greatest thing we can do for our kids is learn to focus on us, not them. Instead of anxiously trying to control our kids, let’s concentrate on what we can control–calming our own emotional, knee-jerk reactions.
What’s so damaging about being too reactive? Keep reading. The next couple of chapters will make it clear. For now, consider this: How can we have any influence on our children’s decision-making if we don’t have an influence on our own? When we get reactive, we get regressive. That is, we shrink back to an immature level of functioning.
Think of me at Waffle House. In an effort to get my two-year-old to stop acting so immaturely, I became just as immature. How effective can that be? I’ve come to realize that if I get loud and scary and intimidating, I may get compliance eventually, but at what price? I may have screamed my son into submission at Waffle House, but what type of relationship will I have with him if I continue to parent by reactive intimidation? If we want to be influential, then we have to fi...
Most helpful customer reviews
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Best parenting book ever!
By Tracerbob
This book should be the rewuired reading for all parents. We all make mistakes; the biggest is making time for ourselves. I know how hard that is, we all feel our kids deserve the best. Sometimes we forget that to be our best we need to take a break and focus on ourselves. I am a work at home dad, who is the primary caregiver for my kids. This book was extremely helpful for me. I had already started doing DDP yoga daily, but this book helped me put the pieces together, so I was truly able to relax and not think I was taking time from parenting. I haven't looked at a toy room mess, or dirty dishes the same since. It will teach you to be grateful that you have these things to do, it won't last they grow up fast.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
I owe my calm to this book!
By Cody
I owe my screamfree attitude to this book.
A few years ago I began working at a youth center designed to help teens involved with drugs, crime, domestic issues, etc. Most of the teens living at this center were not cooperative or pleasant people. As I was being trained for the position I was often amazed at how much the workers yelled hoping to change the adolescents' behavior. I was even more amazed at how often their tactics failed.
During this time I stumbled upon this book and it taught me that no matter what other people do I am the only person I'm able to control. This may sound so obvious to everybody, but everyday I see examples of how this simple principle is overlooked, resulting in unnecessary stress and drama. This doesn't just apply to parenting; I see the problems arise in all sorts of situations.
The author recounts several anecdotes that demonstrate each principle that he focuses on throughout the chapters. The benefit of this is that I'm able to put myself in the same position and really consider how I would respond to each situation. After reading this book I can say that I am much more able to control how I react to stress in general.
I recommend this book to EVERYONE, regardless of parental status. Take control of yourself so you can help others.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
If you Yell, Scream Free Parenting is a MUST!!
By brudemi
I have to admit I do not have the greatest patience with my children and when things do not go the way I would like or the way they have been planned, then I used to have a tendency to yell at my children. I have two sons currently 11 and 7.5 yrs old, and my oldest has ADHD. Any parent with a child with ADHD will be able to relate to the fact that raising this child is difficult and challenging and I am sure many folks like me end up yelling at our kids in hope to get them to listen and do what we have asked. This book really changed my way of viewing things. I have now owned this book for a month and read it relatively quickly once received. I have seen some of the other more negative reviews and can agree that much of what is in the book is seemingly basic stuff; however, when in the midst of raising your children it is difficult to consistently be thinking of this stuff and it is easy to lose your cool. For me at least, this reading this book gave me the time and focus to really start to think of my own behavior and the real impact that it is having on my children. I have to say that for the last month there has been a lot less screaming in my house, and not just with me. After about a week of completely NO yelling at all on my part, the kids both started to yell less. It doesn't happen immediately, but over the month it has gotten less and less. I will not say yelling does not occur, but it is substantially less and the entire family has moved toward building a more positive relationship together. It really is simple, if we don't want our children to yell, then we shouldn't yell either. We need to show our kids that there are more calm and positive ways to deal with the adversity that we face every day. I am extremely glad I got and read this book, and would recommend it to anyone who feels that there is just too much yelling/screaming in their family. This is probably the best $10 and few hours that I have spent as a parent. I seriously do think I am a better parent and a better person after reading this book.
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